Control Freak

I just yelled at the Walmart lady. And it wasn't her fault, but someone needed to be yelled at, and she won.

I'm frustrated. I do everything for everyone in this family. Everything. No, I'm not exaggerating because my emotions are high. I literally do everything. The only exception might be mowing the lawn, which we all know is a seasonal thing. I also can say with 100% truth that I have offered to mow on numerous occasions when my other half was extra busy, but he declined the offer each and every time. (I think he enjoys the solitude of the lawn mower. I'm jealous.) There is no other "chore" in this house that belongs to anyone but me. 

And I blame myself. I like things done a certain way, so the "if you want something done right, you do it yourself" philosophy has become my motto. By choice I have chosen this motto, so why am I so mad that no one helps with anything? The byproduct of my disorder? Spoiled kids.

The spoiledness of my children became apparent tonight in Walmart when a fight ensued over a foam sword that cost $1.97. Just writing these words makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. $1.97 PEOPLE! And I yelled at poor Walmart lady because my kids were being so disrespectful and rude to me, and obviously I couldn't spank them right there in the store (they're 12 and 8), lest I be charged with child abuse, so what's the next best thing? Yell at a total stranger. 

It's 11:00 PM and all I want to do is drive back to Wally World and apologize to the lady. Maybe I'll call her. Going back into town requires putting on clothes. But she definitely deserves an apology. 

As for my kids, changes are coming. 

So, dear friends, tell me what works for you. Please, I beg of you, help me fight this disorder called "Control Freak". It's a real thing, and I have it. How do I relinquish control, and more importantly, hand over responsibility to others? It's not too late. I still can save the world from the wrath of my spoiled kids. 2016 seems like the perfect time to start.

No, seriously, I'm asking. Help! 

A Time For Everything

(Disclaimer: I wrote this a month ago or so, but apparently forgot to publish it. Oops!)

(Photo Cred: Mandy Bolin)

Wearing two layers of clothes and wrapped tightly in a Christmas blanket, I enjoyed our last football game of the year. Once again the cards did not fall in our favor, but once again our boys showed heart in the face of adversity.  

It's no secret that nearly every team we've played this season has been bigger than us. There's no denying our sparse sideline compared to the fuller sidelines of our opponents. And let's just talk for a moment about the season-ending injuries we've faced: too many. 

Unfortunately, the same injury curse could be seen with our volleyball team.

Where do we go from here? I've been in mourning for a couple of weeks over volleyball season ending. Are there things I would have done differently? Absolutely. Every coach looks back and says the same thing (if they're honest with themselves.) All I can do is learn from this season and begin preparing for next season.  

People will not always agree with the decisions I make. That comes with the territory of being a head coach. I will never, no matter how hard I try, make everyone happy. Enemies are created, whether it be intentional or not. But I rest easy knowing I make every decision in the best interest of my girls and my team. I want to win, just like everyone else does. I've never met a coach who isn't making decisions based on winning. If they say otherwise, they're lying.

Want to know why? Everyone's happy if you're winning. No matter what. End of story. Fini.

Don't misunderstand: teaching kids how to survive in life, how to become contributing citizens, about respect and honor is infinitely more important; but winning remains a top goal. Everyone wants their kids to have success, and it's our job to help them achieve that. 

A sweet friend of mine has a son who plays on a traditionally winning team. This season, thanks mainly to realignment, they have struggled. She said recently, "There's no glory in losing. I don't know how you and Michael have done it the last two years." She said this out of true sympathy, because she knows how badly we want it for our teams, and that we are willing to do whatever to achieve success, both for personal reasons and because we love this community and these kids so much. (And she knows how undeniably competitive we are!)

There's a joke in the coaching profession that goes something like this: "If you win, it's because of the athletes. If you lose, it's because of the coach." We all know, win or lose, it's a little of both, but sometimes it feels less like joke and more like the truth, at least in the eyes of the outside world. So I just have to put one foot in front of the other, keep my head held high, and trust in God to help me make the best decisions for my kids. That's all I can do. 

To all of the amazing kids I am blessed to work with: thank you, thank you, thank you! While you may give me a headache from time to time, the joy you give me far outweighs the stress. I look forward to going to "work" each and every day. 

To the parents of these kids: thank you for trusting me with your babies. I know it's not easy! But know that you have done an amazing job raising these kids, which only makes my job easier. 

To those of you who have been there through it all: you are literally the reason I am able to keep going. Your random texts, pats on the shoulder, sweet hugs, all mean more than you will ever know. 

To my non-supporters: we may not see eye-to-eye on things, but please know that I care about the kids of Grand Saline as though they were my own. And that's what is most important. 

So, goodbye to another season. I am already looking forward #gsvbpo15!  

What's next? "Fore!"

I'm a Closet Drinker

Last Friday it began. My list of errands was long, and I was craving a Dr. Pepper for the first time since my clean eating began. Every convenience store seemed to have a huge, neon sign blinking the words, "COME BUY A DP. NO ONE WILL KNOW." My will power weakened. When I finally walked into the Stop-N-Go, I looked around for anyone I might know. After buying the poison, I held it tightly against my leg as I walked out the door. No one can know.

I sat in my car, parked at the back of the store, and took two long chugs. My taste buds came alive, but the shame was overpowering. "I have to finish drinking this before I get back home." I ran a few more errands, stopped at another store to dispose of the evidence, and then began the seven mile ride to the country.

And so began the multitude of bad choices. Between the kid's birthday bash on Saturday and starting back to work on Monday, it's been tough. In the midst of it all, I haven't gained back any of the weight, but I feel terrible. I've stressed from the beginning that's what is most important to me. I want to be healthy from the inside out.

Thankfully, my support system sustains me. One friend often reminds me that no matter how many times I fail with this, I can always start again. There's no limit. Creating new habits after 30 plus years of bad eating habits isn't going to happen overnight. It may take a year or more, and that's okay.

After yesterday's lunch of pizza and a dinner including a patty melt, today is a start-over, which is far better than being a quitter.

Observations from a Novice Healthy Eater

Healthy Eating Update

Seven pounds officially lost. I'm not as happy about this as you might expect because I'm losing weight in weird places. 

My former dieting escapades (starving myself) allowed for weight loss in two specific areas: gut and butt (thighs). With this healthy way of eating, I'm seeing weight loss in my legs. I'm sure there's some scientific explanation for this, and if any of you know what it is, please share. I'm baffled. 

I still can't complain. I feel better than ever before, and that has always been my main goal. 

Residual Effect

Now that I'm preparing a ton of food at home, I have discovered a bonus to being in the kitchen so much. Addison comes in to keep me company, and I teach her some of the basics of cooking. This bonding time developed thanks to our healthy eating. Yes, "our." The family has rallied with me to embrace this tough change. We have all discovered new foods we love. For example, last night was "Taco Night," but instead of corn taco shells or flour tortillas, we wrapped our taco meat with pieces of iceberg lettuce. Yep, taco lettuce wraps! The kids LOVED it. Of course I let them put cheese on theirs, while I stuck to pico de gallo as my only garnish, but I'm so happy to see them trying new things.

That Dreaded "W" Word

Yes, the weight is coming off, faster than I actually thought it might. But another startling issue has been my loss of muscle tone. My legs are thinning out, but where, oh where did my muscle go? This saddens me; my leg muscles have always been an asset, so I'm disappointed to see them go, especially when I have plenty of thigh fat I would love to see disappear. So, it's definitely time to implement Christmas' second major component to her "Badass Diet." The book gives workouts to do during different phases of your healthy eating, but I think I'll start with the Elliptical at my gym. Maybe that will burn off some of the cottage cheese evident on my hamstrings. Boo. 

Overall, this remains to be a positive experience. With my family's support and willingness to participate, the uphill battle is beginning to flatten. It will still be a battle, but with these troops by my side, there's no way I can fail.

Failure is Reality

So, yesterday was a complete disaster. Worst day on this journey thus far.

I woke up with an empty fridge and pantry, but thank goodness it was payday. I had one hard-boiled egg left, as well as the required carb (blueberries), and fat (sunflower seeds). I had plenty of time to get to the store before the next chow time, right? Before I knew it, snack time was here and I was still in my jammies. Luckily, I was able to throw together an appropriate snack: round steak, cauliflower, brussel sprouts. Oh wait! That's the components of my lunch meal. Oh well, I'll eat it anyway and just skip the snack I was supposed to have.

That was the last time I ate until 5:30 that evening. Life took over. Errands to run, including a massive trip to Walmart, where I have to admit, I spent more than I have ever spent on a single trip. When you're buying healthy stuff for yourself, but also know your kids need normal meals, too, it adds up fast. And, of course, we were out of every other item, too: toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc. Yes, "et cetera." So much more than I have the energy to list.

What did I eat at 5:30, you ask? My favorite meal of all time:

And I didn't hold back. I was all in: chips, dips, nachos, burritos. It was ridiculous. I also struggled to finish my water for the day. The dehydration was evident. Very disappointing.

But I'm glad it happened, and not for the reason you might think. I'm glad it happened because I felt absolutely terrible within two hours of gorging down this delicious, but oh so unhealthy Mexican food. I continued to feel bad through this morning, including the major heartburn and indigestion that kept me up all night.

Do you know what I realized through it all? This is how I felt ALL THE TIME before I started my healthy eating. Seriously, all the time. How did I live like that? It's no wonder I had no energy, horrible digestion issues, and had begun looking for a quick fix, of which there is no such thing, by the way. This solidified why I'm doing this. It motivated me more than anything to trek on, not to give up.

I am also thankful for this hiccup because it showed how much harder things will be when life gets busier, only a couple of weeks from now. Meal planning and preparation will be the key to my success.

Today is a new day. My healthy breakfast has been consumed, and my healthy snack is merely minutes away. One water down, three more to go, minimum, and I'm on target to do just that.

We all fail in various aspects of our lives, and often; but each morning presents a new chance to start over. Whether your goals deal with eating or some other vice, remember this: each morning is a new beginning. No matter what happened yesterday, today you have a second chance. Take it!

Peace & Love,

Kelly

Change is Hard

I know you're all just dying to hear how the clean eating has been going. Haha! Some of you hope to hear about my success, while others of you secretly hope I've failed. Come on, you know it. Human nature, right?

I can happily report that both groups will be satisfied. Between the hours of whenever-I-get-up and 5:00 P.M., all is well.  I eat at least two meals and two snacks with perfect portions of a protein, carb, and fat.

My cravings for sugar do not exist between these hours. And then 5:00-6:00 hits and my blood sugar drops drastically. I become suddenly weak and dizzy; it's the strangest thing. Most days when this happens I am able to curb the uneasy side effects by eating immediately, whether it's time to eat or not.

Twice this week I ate terribly after 5:00:  Dr. Pepper, cheese, and starchy carbs. And to be honest, most days I've cheated a little. Spark is back on the menu. It's crazy to think I could quit everything all at once, cold-turkey. Reality sucks.

The good news? I've lost a total of 4 lbs in 6 days. And I've done it the healthy way, which is what I'm most proud of; and it should also be noted that in my almost 40 years, I've never eaten this way. The first 3 lbs came off within the first two days, probably water weight.  I then maintained that weight until yesterday, which astonishes me.  My weight is never the same from day to day. Never. As of yesterday another pound bit the dust.

A word on the "evil" scale. I know all of the theories about not using a scale, and that I should use my clothes to determine weight loss, etc, etc. But I'm a numbers person. Even a pound here and a pound there are victories. I love the scale, and I love to use it as a motivating tool. It works for me.

What have I learned in the last six days?

First of all, I can taste again. I didn't realize I couldn't until I eliminated all of the processed foods full of artificial ingredients, sabotaging my taste buds. It's no wonder I struggled to ingest the healthy stuff; I couldn't taste them! Now, however, I absolutely love green apples and apricots. Who knew?!

Secondly, my digestion is on point. Anyone who knows me knows the struggles I've had with digestion all of my life. I attribute this new found freedom to the 67 plus fluid ounces of water I'm drinking daily. I say "freedom" because the bloated-ness and constipation are totally gone. Major relief!

Let's leave this conversation with this: all systems are running smoothly. TMI?

Finally, I've learned that I can do this. No, I'm not perfect, but I can do this, one day at a time. It's easier now because I'm at home a large part of the day, but even going to softball practice and such, I carry a cooler with healthy snacks and water. I'm not naive, however; I know the food prep will be ten times harder once school starts, but hopefully I'm creating habits to last through the busyness on the horizon.

The workout portion of this program still lingers. Learning to eat correctly far outweighs that component in my book, but I hope to implement the full program soon.

Your motivation and encouragement has been the most important aspect of this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How can I return the favor?

This is Crazy, This is Crazy, This is Crazy

My latest endeavor is crazy, but my hope is the benefits will far outweigh the craziness.

I saw this book on a friend's Facebook post, and since I love Christmas Abbott, I had to read it. And except for the hundreds of grammar/editing issues (I'm not even kidding), the information was fabulous, even for someone who graduated from college with a degree in Kinesiology.

***Writer's note: there may be mistakes in my writing, as well. I'm not perfect. But I also don't have an editor and publisher. Big difference.***

I have to admit, I didn't listen much in my nutrition classes. As a naturally slender person, worrying about my food intake was never a major concern. I could literally eat whatever I wanted and not gain fat. All of that has drastically changed in my thirties. And considering my forties are only two months away, I knew it was time to make a change.

My biggest concern of late was how incredibly fast I could gain and lose weight. Within a seven day period, my weight could fluctuate between five and ten pounds, and I knew exactly why. If I was eating a lot, the pounds went on. If I wanted to lose the weight, I simply starved myself for three days. Not healthy at all.

The root of it all was the food I was eating. I love junk food and sweets. Period. Exclamation mark. I crave it like any other addict. A Dr. Pepper and a box of Bottlecaps candy satisfied my cravings like no other. I knew if I was going to survive my forties (did I mention it's only months away), I had to learn how to eat to fuel my body, not for pleasure.

Of all the books I've picked up over the years on nutrition, this one was exactly what I needed.

So, how was day one? First of all, I felt like I was in the kitchen all day long! It was exhausting. All of the cooking and cleaning. Second of all, by about 4:00 P.M. the sugar cravings hit hard. By 8:00 P.M. the no caffeine headache overwhelmed me. To be honest, I was surprised it took so long. I'm usually a Spark-first-thing-in-the-morning type of person, as well as Dr. Peppers throughout the day. Thirdly, this clean eating stuff is beneficial for everyone, so my kids and husband had to suffer. Austin and Michael took it in stride, but Addison resisted. It's important to note that I'm not restricting my kids as much as I am myself. They can still eat dairy and bread, both big no-nos for me at the moment. They've also had plenty of snacks, trust me.

Two major issues entailed throughout the day.  First, it's a lot of food, broken up into 6 meals (3 traditional meals, 3 snacks.) I don't eat that much food in one day, which is why my metabolism is all out of whack. Second, I never felt full. The book insisted I would feel full. Christmas, you lied.

It's ironic, actually, that I struggled to finish each meal, yet I never felt full. My energy is down, as well. Carbs are out, except for the carbs found in fruit. This part of the "diet" is 21 days, and then we move into more starchy carbs. (A baked potato sounds so good right now, with a lot of cheese!) Considering my love for bread and cheese (sugar and salt), that has been pretty tough, too.

I keep reminding myself this isn't forever. Realistically, this lifestyle eating will not be an all-in for my entire life. But, if I can do it for 21 days, maybe I can limit my cravings for bad food.

In the meantime, a word of encouragement would be great. I know I'm not obese, so I'm not looking for "You look great! You don't need to diet." (The book refers to people like me as "Skinny Fat". What a paradox!) This is about being healthy from the inside out. As a person who has created very bad habits throughout her life, this may be my toughest challenge ever.

So, why is this crazy? It's a lot of work. I have a little more time on my hands right now, but when volleyball starts in less than a month, it will be much harder to maintain. If I can create healthy habits now, maybe they will continue without much effort. Maybe not. There's only one way to find out.

Peace & Love,

Kelly

P.S. Who can name the movie quote that is my title?

UPDATE: Well, that lasted a day and a half. Don't give up on me, yet! Baby steps.