Random Thoughts From a Newly 40-Year-Old Woman

Turning 40 wreaked havoc on my life, and I didn't even see it coming. I was completely blindsided by the chaos that ensued.

On my birthday, September 24th, I walked into a gym and office outlandishly decorated to the nines. Although there were a lot of old lady jokes, I never felt old. I still don't, and thanks to amazing genes, I really don't think I look 40, either. I enjoyed the laughs on me and felt loved by my sweet friends and co-workers.

Two days later, I was surprised, again, by a room full of our closest friends and family at my favorite fancy restaurant. I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to have so many of the people I love in the same room, especially knowing how much they loved me, too. The fact that I was the big 4-0 never really entered my mind. Every other birthday had been easy, so I was just happy to be alive and surrounded by great people.

Over the next few weeks I noticed some changes. I was looking at my life with a microscope, as well as the world around me. Insecurities began to creep in. What have I accomplished in the last 40 years? How much time have I wasted on the inconsequential aspects of life? Have I already lived half of my life? (Will I ever be a writer?) These questions consumed me.

When causally talking with a friend about my intellectual hurdles, she mentioned an article that said when women get older, they begin to go through a second adolescence. The age of this second adolescence varies from as early as 35 to as late as 60. Not all women go through it, but it does seem to be the first stage of the dreaded menopause for some.

Yes, that evil word "menopause." It's perplexing to me that when we mention the hormonal chaos of our teenagers, it's simply a stage of life; however, a woman goes through menopause with terms such as "crazy" and "mentally unstable" attached. Is menopause not just another stage of life?

In her book Inventing the Rest of Our Lives:  Women in Second Adulthood, Suzanne Levine writes about the eerily similar side-effects of a teenager going through their changes and a woman going through her changes, describing both as werewolves. "The difference is that the teenage werewolf is accepted as a stage of life, while the menopausal werewolf is considered an affliction in need of treatment."

This just pisses me off, because it's true! I've never really thought about it until recently, but we could really take this further by mentioning the taboo that IS mental illness. Our society, generally speaking, believes that mental illness is the owner's fault; that they should be able to control it on their own. It's acceptable to treat any ailments within your body, but if it's mental illness, keep it to yourself lest you be harshly judged.

I am no doctor; these are merely my own observations of the world around me. I also do not believe I'm going through menopause, but I do know those big life questions I thought I answered back in my twenties are coming back, bigger and stronger than ever. My grandmother has told me for as long as I can remember that I'm inquisitive by nature, and it's times like these I wish she were wrong. But I accept who I am, and, thankfully, so does my family.

I'm so immersed in these philosophical questions that I recently began reading Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living by Krista Tippet. I'm laughing even as I type this, as I'm sure you are, too. It's ridiculous. Surely, I'm making this "life" thing more difficult than it has to be, right? But even one chapter in, I'm amazed. My inquisitive nature wins over everything, so this is my attempt to feed it. Combined with my current challenge to read the Bible in its entirety, I feel I'm on the right path.

So, why did I write this? Because surely I'm not the only person struggling with these life questions. Sometimes I feel alone in this quest, but I'm certain others are on the same lonely journey. Wouldn't this be easier together?

I am by no means perfect; my flaws are many. Nevertheless, the continual search for the meaning of life, or more precisely my purpose in life, only reiterates the truth that we are never done growing. When I enter those pearly gates, I will not have been a perfect human. But I can only hope God will say to me, "Thank you for trying."

Control Freak

I just yelled at the Walmart lady. And it wasn't her fault, but someone needed to be yelled at, and she won.

I'm frustrated. I do everything for everyone in this family. Everything. No, I'm not exaggerating because my emotions are high. I literally do everything. The only exception might be mowing the lawn, which we all know is a seasonal thing. I also can say with 100% truth that I have offered to mow on numerous occasions when my other half was extra busy, but he declined the offer each and every time. (I think he enjoys the solitude of the lawn mower. I'm jealous.) There is no other "chore" in this house that belongs to anyone but me. 

And I blame myself. I like things done a certain way, so the "if you want something done right, you do it yourself" philosophy has become my motto. By choice I have chosen this motto, so why am I so mad that no one helps with anything? The byproduct of my disorder? Spoiled kids.

The spoiledness of my children became apparent tonight in Walmart when a fight ensued over a foam sword that cost $1.97. Just writing these words makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. $1.97 PEOPLE! And I yelled at poor Walmart lady because my kids were being so disrespectful and rude to me, and obviously I couldn't spank them right there in the store (they're 12 and 8), lest I be charged with child abuse, so what's the next best thing? Yell at a total stranger. 

It's 11:00 PM and all I want to do is drive back to Wally World and apologize to the lady. Maybe I'll call her. Going back into town requires putting on clothes. But she definitely deserves an apology. 

As for my kids, changes are coming. 

So, dear friends, tell me what works for you. Please, I beg of you, help me fight this disorder called "Control Freak". It's a real thing, and I have it. How do I relinquish control, and more importantly, hand over responsibility to others? It's not too late. I still can save the world from the wrath of my spoiled kids. 2016 seems like the perfect time to start.

No, seriously, I'm asking. Help! 

A Time For Everything

(Disclaimer: I wrote this a month ago or so, but apparently forgot to publish it. Oops!)

(Photo Cred: Mandy Bolin)

Wearing two layers of clothes and wrapped tightly in a Christmas blanket, I enjoyed our last football game of the year. Once again the cards did not fall in our favor, but once again our boys showed heart in the face of adversity.  

It's no secret that nearly every team we've played this season has been bigger than us. There's no denying our sparse sideline compared to the fuller sidelines of our opponents. And let's just talk for a moment about the season-ending injuries we've faced: too many. 

Unfortunately, the same injury curse could be seen with our volleyball team.

Where do we go from here? I've been in mourning for a couple of weeks over volleyball season ending. Are there things I would have done differently? Absolutely. Every coach looks back and says the same thing (if they're honest with themselves.) All I can do is learn from this season and begin preparing for next season.  

People will not always agree with the decisions I make. That comes with the territory of being a head coach. I will never, no matter how hard I try, make everyone happy. Enemies are created, whether it be intentional or not. But I rest easy knowing I make every decision in the best interest of my girls and my team. I want to win, just like everyone else does. I've never met a coach who isn't making decisions based on winning. If they say otherwise, they're lying.

Want to know why? Everyone's happy if you're winning. No matter what. End of story. Fini.

Don't misunderstand: teaching kids how to survive in life, how to become contributing citizens, about respect and honor is infinitely more important; but winning remains a top goal. Everyone wants their kids to have success, and it's our job to help them achieve that. 

A sweet friend of mine has a son who plays on a traditionally winning team. This season, thanks mainly to realignment, they have struggled. She said recently, "There's no glory in losing. I don't know how you and Michael have done it the last two years." She said this out of true sympathy, because she knows how badly we want it for our teams, and that we are willing to do whatever to achieve success, both for personal reasons and because we love this community and these kids so much. (And she knows how undeniably competitive we are!)

There's a joke in the coaching profession that goes something like this: "If you win, it's because of the athletes. If you lose, it's because of the coach." We all know, win or lose, it's a little of both, but sometimes it feels less like joke and more like the truth, at least in the eyes of the outside world. So I just have to put one foot in front of the other, keep my head held high, and trust in God to help me make the best decisions for my kids. That's all I can do. 

To all of the amazing kids I am blessed to work with: thank you, thank you, thank you! While you may give me a headache from time to time, the joy you give me far outweighs the stress. I look forward to going to "work" each and every day. 

To the parents of these kids: thank you for trusting me with your babies. I know it's not easy! But know that you have done an amazing job raising these kids, which only makes my job easier. 

To those of you who have been there through it all: you are literally the reason I am able to keep going. Your random texts, pats on the shoulder, sweet hugs, all mean more than you will ever know. 

To my non-supporters: we may not see eye-to-eye on things, but please know that I care about the kids of Grand Saline as though they were my own. And that's what is most important. 

So, goodbye to another season. I am already looking forward #gsvbpo15!  

What's next? "Fore!"

I'm a Closet Drinker

Last Friday it began. My list of errands was long, and I was craving a Dr. Pepper for the first time since my clean eating began. Every convenience store seemed to have a huge, neon sign blinking the words, "COME BUY A DP. NO ONE WILL KNOW." My will power weakened. When I finally walked into the Stop-N-Go, I looked around for anyone I might know. After buying the poison, I held it tightly against my leg as I walked out the door. No one can know.

I sat in my car, parked at the back of the store, and took two long chugs. My taste buds came alive, but the shame was overpowering. "I have to finish drinking this before I get back home." I ran a few more errands, stopped at another store to dispose of the evidence, and then began the seven mile ride to the country.

And so began the multitude of bad choices. Between the kid's birthday bash on Saturday and starting back to work on Monday, it's been tough. In the midst of it all, I haven't gained back any of the weight, but I feel terrible. I've stressed from the beginning that's what is most important to me. I want to be healthy from the inside out.

Thankfully, my support system sustains me. One friend often reminds me that no matter how many times I fail with this, I can always start again. There's no limit. Creating new habits after 30 plus years of bad eating habits isn't going to happen overnight. It may take a year or more, and that's okay.

After yesterday's lunch of pizza and a dinner including a patty melt, today is a start-over, which is far better than being a quitter.

Observations from a Novice Healthy Eater

Healthy Eating Update

Seven pounds officially lost. I'm not as happy about this as you might expect because I'm losing weight in weird places. 

My former dieting escapades (starving myself) allowed for weight loss in two specific areas: gut and butt (thighs). With this healthy way of eating, I'm seeing weight loss in my legs. I'm sure there's some scientific explanation for this, and if any of you know what it is, please share. I'm baffled. 

I still can't complain. I feel better than ever before, and that has always been my main goal. 

Residual Effect

Now that I'm preparing a ton of food at home, I have discovered a bonus to being in the kitchen so much. Addison comes in to keep me company, and I teach her some of the basics of cooking. This bonding time developed thanks to our healthy eating. Yes, "our." The family has rallied with me to embrace this tough change. We have all discovered new foods we love. For example, last night was "Taco Night," but instead of corn taco shells or flour tortillas, we wrapped our taco meat with pieces of iceberg lettuce. Yep, taco lettuce wraps! The kids LOVED it. Of course I let them put cheese on theirs, while I stuck to pico de gallo as my only garnish, but I'm so happy to see them trying new things.

That Dreaded "W" Word

Yes, the weight is coming off, faster than I actually thought it might. But another startling issue has been my loss of muscle tone. My legs are thinning out, but where, oh where did my muscle go? This saddens me; my leg muscles have always been an asset, so I'm disappointed to see them go, especially when I have plenty of thigh fat I would love to see disappear. So, it's definitely time to implement Christmas' second major component to her "Badass Diet." The book gives workouts to do during different phases of your healthy eating, but I think I'll start with the Elliptical at my gym. Maybe that will burn off some of the cottage cheese evident on my hamstrings. Boo. 

Overall, this remains to be a positive experience. With my family's support and willingness to participate, the uphill battle is beginning to flatten. It will still be a battle, but with these troops by my side, there's no way I can fail.

Failure is Reality

So, yesterday was a complete disaster. Worst day on this journey thus far.

I woke up with an empty fridge and pantry, but thank goodness it was payday. I had one hard-boiled egg left, as well as the required carb (blueberries), and fat (sunflower seeds). I had plenty of time to get to the store before the next chow time, right? Before I knew it, snack time was here and I was still in my jammies. Luckily, I was able to throw together an appropriate snack: round steak, cauliflower, brussel sprouts. Oh wait! That's the components of my lunch meal. Oh well, I'll eat it anyway and just skip the snack I was supposed to have.

That was the last time I ate until 5:30 that evening. Life took over. Errands to run, including a massive trip to Walmart, where I have to admit, I spent more than I have ever spent on a single trip. When you're buying healthy stuff for yourself, but also know your kids need normal meals, too, it adds up fast. And, of course, we were out of every other item, too: toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc. Yes, "et cetera." So much more than I have the energy to list.

What did I eat at 5:30, you ask? My favorite meal of all time:

And I didn't hold back. I was all in: chips, dips, nachos, burritos. It was ridiculous. I also struggled to finish my water for the day. The dehydration was evident. Very disappointing.

But I'm glad it happened, and not for the reason you might think. I'm glad it happened because I felt absolutely terrible within two hours of gorging down this delicious, but oh so unhealthy Mexican food. I continued to feel bad through this morning, including the major heartburn and indigestion that kept me up all night.

Do you know what I realized through it all? This is how I felt ALL THE TIME before I started my healthy eating. Seriously, all the time. How did I live like that? It's no wonder I had no energy, horrible digestion issues, and had begun looking for a quick fix, of which there is no such thing, by the way. This solidified why I'm doing this. It motivated me more than anything to trek on, not to give up.

I am also thankful for this hiccup because it showed how much harder things will be when life gets busier, only a couple of weeks from now. Meal planning and preparation will be the key to my success.

Today is a new day. My healthy breakfast has been consumed, and my healthy snack is merely minutes away. One water down, three more to go, minimum, and I'm on target to do just that.

We all fail in various aspects of our lives, and often; but each morning presents a new chance to start over. Whether your goals deal with eating or some other vice, remember this: each morning is a new beginning. No matter what happened yesterday, today you have a second chance. Take it!

Peace & Love,

Kelly

Change is Hard

I know you're all just dying to hear how the clean eating has been going. Haha! Some of you hope to hear about my success, while others of you secretly hope I've failed. Come on, you know it. Human nature, right?

I can happily report that both groups will be satisfied. Between the hours of whenever-I-get-up and 5:00 P.M., all is well.  I eat at least two meals and two snacks with perfect portions of a protein, carb, and fat.

My cravings for sugar do not exist between these hours. And then 5:00-6:00 hits and my blood sugar drops drastically. I become suddenly weak and dizzy; it's the strangest thing. Most days when this happens I am able to curb the uneasy side effects by eating immediately, whether it's time to eat or not.

Twice this week I ate terribly after 5:00:  Dr. Pepper, cheese, and starchy carbs. And to be honest, most days I've cheated a little. Spark is back on the menu. It's crazy to think I could quit everything all at once, cold-turkey. Reality sucks.

The good news? I've lost a total of 4 lbs in 6 days. And I've done it the healthy way, which is what I'm most proud of; and it should also be noted that in my almost 40 years, I've never eaten this way. The first 3 lbs came off within the first two days, probably water weight.  I then maintained that weight until yesterday, which astonishes me.  My weight is never the same from day to day. Never. As of yesterday another pound bit the dust.

A word on the "evil" scale. I know all of the theories about not using a scale, and that I should use my clothes to determine weight loss, etc, etc. But I'm a numbers person. Even a pound here and a pound there are victories. I love the scale, and I love to use it as a motivating tool. It works for me.

What have I learned in the last six days?

First of all, I can taste again. I didn't realize I couldn't until I eliminated all of the processed foods full of artificial ingredients, sabotaging my taste buds. It's no wonder I struggled to ingest the healthy stuff; I couldn't taste them! Now, however, I absolutely love green apples and apricots. Who knew?!

Secondly, my digestion is on point. Anyone who knows me knows the struggles I've had with digestion all of my life. I attribute this new found freedom to the 67 plus fluid ounces of water I'm drinking daily. I say "freedom" because the bloated-ness and constipation are totally gone. Major relief!

Let's leave this conversation with this: all systems are running smoothly. TMI?

Finally, I've learned that I can do this. No, I'm not perfect, but I can do this, one day at a time. It's easier now because I'm at home a large part of the day, but even going to softball practice and such, I carry a cooler with healthy snacks and water. I'm not naive, however; I know the food prep will be ten times harder once school starts, but hopefully I'm creating habits to last through the busyness on the horizon.

The workout portion of this program still lingers. Learning to eat correctly far outweighs that component in my book, but I hope to implement the full program soon.

Your motivation and encouragement has been the most important aspect of this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How can I return the favor?