I'm a Closet Drinker

Last Friday it began. My list of errands was long, and I was craving a Dr. Pepper for the first time since my clean eating began. Every convenience store seemed to have a huge, neon sign blinking the words, "COME BUY A DP. NO ONE WILL KNOW." My will power weakened. When I finally walked into the Stop-N-Go, I looked around for anyone I might know. After buying the poison, I held it tightly against my leg as I walked out the door. No one can know.

I sat in my car, parked at the back of the store, and took two long chugs. My taste buds came alive, but the shame was overpowering. "I have to finish drinking this before I get back home." I ran a few more errands, stopped at another store to dispose of the evidence, and then began the seven mile ride to the country.

And so began the multitude of bad choices. Between the kid's birthday bash on Saturday and starting back to work on Monday, it's been tough. In the midst of it all, I haven't gained back any of the weight, but I feel terrible. I've stressed from the beginning that's what is most important to me. I want to be healthy from the inside out.

Thankfully, my support system sustains me. One friend often reminds me that no matter how many times I fail with this, I can always start again. There's no limit. Creating new habits after 30 plus years of bad eating habits isn't going to happen overnight. It may take a year or more, and that's okay.

After yesterday's lunch of pizza and a dinner including a patty melt, today is a start-over, which is far better than being a quitter.

Failure is Reality

So, yesterday was a complete disaster. Worst day on this journey thus far.

I woke up with an empty fridge and pantry, but thank goodness it was payday. I had one hard-boiled egg left, as well as the required carb (blueberries), and fat (sunflower seeds). I had plenty of time to get to the store before the next chow time, right? Before I knew it, snack time was here and I was still in my jammies. Luckily, I was able to throw together an appropriate snack: round steak, cauliflower, brussel sprouts. Oh wait! That's the components of my lunch meal. Oh well, I'll eat it anyway and just skip the snack I was supposed to have.

That was the last time I ate until 5:30 that evening. Life took over. Errands to run, including a massive trip to Walmart, where I have to admit, I spent more than I have ever spent on a single trip. When you're buying healthy stuff for yourself, but also know your kids need normal meals, too, it adds up fast. And, of course, we were out of every other item, too: toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc. Yes, "et cetera." So much more than I have the energy to list.

What did I eat at 5:30, you ask? My favorite meal of all time:

And I didn't hold back. I was all in: chips, dips, nachos, burritos. It was ridiculous. I also struggled to finish my water for the day. The dehydration was evident. Very disappointing.

But I'm glad it happened, and not for the reason you might think. I'm glad it happened because I felt absolutely terrible within two hours of gorging down this delicious, but oh so unhealthy Mexican food. I continued to feel bad through this morning, including the major heartburn and indigestion that kept me up all night.

Do you know what I realized through it all? This is how I felt ALL THE TIME before I started my healthy eating. Seriously, all the time. How did I live like that? It's no wonder I had no energy, horrible digestion issues, and had begun looking for a quick fix, of which there is no such thing, by the way. This solidified why I'm doing this. It motivated me more than anything to trek on, not to give up.

I am also thankful for this hiccup because it showed how much harder things will be when life gets busier, only a couple of weeks from now. Meal planning and preparation will be the key to my success.

Today is a new day. My healthy breakfast has been consumed, and my healthy snack is merely minutes away. One water down, three more to go, minimum, and I'm on target to do just that.

We all fail in various aspects of our lives, and often; but each morning presents a new chance to start over. Whether your goals deal with eating or some other vice, remember this: each morning is a new beginning. No matter what happened yesterday, today you have a second chance. Take it!

Peace & Love,

Kelly

Change is Hard

I know you're all just dying to hear how the clean eating has been going. Haha! Some of you hope to hear about my success, while others of you secretly hope I've failed. Come on, you know it. Human nature, right?

I can happily report that both groups will be satisfied. Between the hours of whenever-I-get-up and 5:00 P.M., all is well.  I eat at least two meals and two snacks with perfect portions of a protein, carb, and fat.

My cravings for sugar do not exist between these hours. And then 5:00-6:00 hits and my blood sugar drops drastically. I become suddenly weak and dizzy; it's the strangest thing. Most days when this happens I am able to curb the uneasy side effects by eating immediately, whether it's time to eat or not.

Twice this week I ate terribly after 5:00:  Dr. Pepper, cheese, and starchy carbs. And to be honest, most days I've cheated a little. Spark is back on the menu. It's crazy to think I could quit everything all at once, cold-turkey. Reality sucks.

The good news? I've lost a total of 4 lbs in 6 days. And I've done it the healthy way, which is what I'm most proud of; and it should also be noted that in my almost 40 years, I've never eaten this way. The first 3 lbs came off within the first two days, probably water weight.  I then maintained that weight until yesterday, which astonishes me.  My weight is never the same from day to day. Never. As of yesterday another pound bit the dust.

A word on the "evil" scale. I know all of the theories about not using a scale, and that I should use my clothes to determine weight loss, etc, etc. But I'm a numbers person. Even a pound here and a pound there are victories. I love the scale, and I love to use it as a motivating tool. It works for me.

What have I learned in the last six days?

First of all, I can taste again. I didn't realize I couldn't until I eliminated all of the processed foods full of artificial ingredients, sabotaging my taste buds. It's no wonder I struggled to ingest the healthy stuff; I couldn't taste them! Now, however, I absolutely love green apples and apricots. Who knew?!

Secondly, my digestion is on point. Anyone who knows me knows the struggles I've had with digestion all of my life. I attribute this new found freedom to the 67 plus fluid ounces of water I'm drinking daily. I say "freedom" because the bloated-ness and constipation are totally gone. Major relief!

Let's leave this conversation with this: all systems are running smoothly. TMI?

Finally, I've learned that I can do this. No, I'm not perfect, but I can do this, one day at a time. It's easier now because I'm at home a large part of the day, but even going to softball practice and such, I carry a cooler with healthy snacks and water. I'm not naive, however; I know the food prep will be ten times harder once school starts, but hopefully I'm creating habits to last through the busyness on the horizon.

The workout portion of this program still lingers. Learning to eat correctly far outweighs that component in my book, but I hope to implement the full program soon.

Your motivation and encouragement has been the most important aspect of this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! How can I return the favor?

This is Crazy, This is Crazy, This is Crazy

My latest endeavor is crazy, but my hope is the benefits will far outweigh the craziness.

I saw this book on a friend's Facebook post, and since I love Christmas Abbott, I had to read it. And except for the hundreds of grammar/editing issues (I'm not even kidding), the information was fabulous, even for someone who graduated from college with a degree in Kinesiology.

***Writer's note: there may be mistakes in my writing, as well. I'm not perfect. But I also don't have an editor and publisher. Big difference.***

I have to admit, I didn't listen much in my nutrition classes. As a naturally slender person, worrying about my food intake was never a major concern. I could literally eat whatever I wanted and not gain fat. All of that has drastically changed in my thirties. And considering my forties are only two months away, I knew it was time to make a change.

My biggest concern of late was how incredibly fast I could gain and lose weight. Within a seven day period, my weight could fluctuate between five and ten pounds, and I knew exactly why. If I was eating a lot, the pounds went on. If I wanted to lose the weight, I simply starved myself for three days. Not healthy at all.

The root of it all was the food I was eating. I love junk food and sweets. Period. Exclamation mark. I crave it like any other addict. A Dr. Pepper and a box of Bottlecaps candy satisfied my cravings like no other. I knew if I was going to survive my forties (did I mention it's only months away), I had to learn how to eat to fuel my body, not for pleasure.

Of all the books I've picked up over the years on nutrition, this one was exactly what I needed.

So, how was day one? First of all, I felt like I was in the kitchen all day long! It was exhausting. All of the cooking and cleaning. Second of all, by about 4:00 P.M. the sugar cravings hit hard. By 8:00 P.M. the no caffeine headache overwhelmed me. To be honest, I was surprised it took so long. I'm usually a Spark-first-thing-in-the-morning type of person, as well as Dr. Peppers throughout the day. Thirdly, this clean eating stuff is beneficial for everyone, so my kids and husband had to suffer. Austin and Michael took it in stride, but Addison resisted. It's important to note that I'm not restricting my kids as much as I am myself. They can still eat dairy and bread, both big no-nos for me at the moment. They've also had plenty of snacks, trust me.

Two major issues entailed throughout the day.  First, it's a lot of food, broken up into 6 meals (3 traditional meals, 3 snacks.) I don't eat that much food in one day, which is why my metabolism is all out of whack. Second, I never felt full. The book insisted I would feel full. Christmas, you lied.

It's ironic, actually, that I struggled to finish each meal, yet I never felt full. My energy is down, as well. Carbs are out, except for the carbs found in fruit. This part of the "diet" is 21 days, and then we move into more starchy carbs. (A baked potato sounds so good right now, with a lot of cheese!) Considering my love for bread and cheese (sugar and salt), that has been pretty tough, too.

I keep reminding myself this isn't forever. Realistically, this lifestyle eating will not be an all-in for my entire life. But, if I can do it for 21 days, maybe I can limit my cravings for bad food.

In the meantime, a word of encouragement would be great. I know I'm not obese, so I'm not looking for "You look great! You don't need to diet." (The book refers to people like me as "Skinny Fat". What a paradox!) This is about being healthy from the inside out. As a person who has created very bad habits throughout her life, this may be my toughest challenge ever.

So, why is this crazy? It's a lot of work. I have a little more time on my hands right now, but when volleyball starts in less than a month, it will be much harder to maintain. If I can create healthy habits now, maybe they will continue without much effort. Maybe not. There's only one way to find out.

Peace & Love,

Kelly

P.S. Who can name the movie quote that is my title?

UPDATE: Well, that lasted a day and a half. Don't give up on me, yet! Baby steps.