#write31days

As usual, I'm late. I found this fun writing challenge, and of course it began yesterday, but who cares.

Here's the basics:  write 10 minutes a day, uninhibited, unedited (yea, right), and completely off the cuff. Those of you who truly know me, know I love to write. And I was recently caught off guard when someone who hardly knows me at all asked if I'm still writing. Someone noticed.

Why am I not writing much these days? Good question, and the answer is pretty basic. I'm scared. Straight-up fear keeps me from writing. My need for everything to be perfect means if I write, then I have to do it to the very best of my ability no matter how long it may take. When I typically write a blog, the consumption of time is anywhere between 1 to 2 DAYS. It has to be as perfect as possible. And we all know I have so much free time during volleyball/football season.

And then there's the fear of acceptance, and of being vulnerable. Admitting that I'm scared to write makes me feel incredibly exposed. What if people don't like what I have to say? What if they make fun of me behind my back? What if being a writer isn't cool? (Because, you know, my goal in life is to be as cool as possible.) While that's definitely a joke, it's still true that I have a need for acceptance. I think all people do, but some are better at acknowledging the varying degrees of acceptance than others of us.

The biggest fear of all? What if you see the real me. Not this perception of only the good parts of my life, but the real me. For example, I like to cuss. I don't do it on my job or in front of my own kids (usually), but so many times in my writing I cuss, and then I edit it out. My friends will tell you I cuss. Thankfully, it's something I can turn off and on as needed; however, the saying "I love Jesus but I cuss a little" was specifically created for me.

And as my time draws to an end, let me leave you with this: my writing over the next 31 days may or may not interest you. Do not feel obligated to read. But I desperately need your encouragement. I have a lot at stake here:  my son. My main motivation for doing this is Austin. He believes in me and my writing more than anyone in this world, and I want to show him I can do this. I want him to see what it takes to fulfill your dreams in this world.  You see, he will be a successful director one day, and it breaks my heart when he asks why I'm not pursuing my writing dreams, because I know what he's truly asking is "Can it even be done?" I must prove to him that anything is possible with determination and perseverance.

I may never have a writing career, but I have to show him I gave it a shot. This is step one.

(As I read back over this, it sounds like pure crap, but I'm posting it anyway.)