Mom Guilt Sucks

A blog I began yesterday, Sunday:

So, I've been in bed all freaking day. Sniffles, sneezing, major sinus headache, can't breath, you know the drill. And all I can think about is that my kids need me. It's a beautiful Sunday and I should be with them. But, I'm completely worthless. Why does this bother me so?

Is it society? Am I receiving subliminal messages through television and media that says I should be with my kids every chance I get, sick or not, because they're only mine for a short time? Or am I putting that pressure on myself?

It's frustrating! Why do I feel so guilty about being sick when it's not something I can control? Okay, no more questions...let me tell you what I think.

Yes, in my opinion and experiences, our society has conditioned moms to feel guilty when they are not with their kids, no matter the reason. And when I say "society" I mean MEN. (Forgive the generalization; I'm only kidding, for the most part...)  I'm not a good mom if I'm not with Austin and Addison every chance I get. But the truth is, if I give in to these subliminal messages, that's really my problem.  I am choosing to allow outside sources to dictate my feelings about myself, and I take full responsibility for that.

Honestly, I do want to be with the Double A's (yeah, I just made that up) ALL THE TIME. Austin, at the age of 10, has already lived at home longer than he will probably live at home in the next 10 years. Did I just say that out loud? It's too much to think about.

Addison has come into my room from time to time throughout the day and snuggled with me, and each time I feel the urge to apologize for my inactivity. After all, there are dishes to do, a house to pick up, and dinner to cook, on top of the urge I have to just hang out with my family. Each time I apologize, she looks up with those big, beautiful green eyes and says, "We are spending time together. Snuggling is being together." Children are so wise! Why don't we listen to them or believe them when they graciously impart their wisdom on us? We think we know more because we've lived longer, but we're tainted.  We live with a permanent filter.  Children help us see through that filter, and we should take their innocent advice and observations to heart.

Today's continuation of the above blog:

I was feeling so bad yesterday that I decided to visit the doctor today. I officially have the crud. After a shot and two prescriptions, my mom guilt is cured! I literally needed a doctor to tell me I was sick so I wouldn't feel guilty. Crazy? Yes! But I can live with it for now.

Great blog I read regarding mom guilt! http://www.mommywithselectivememory.com/2012/03/french-women-dont-have-mommy-guilt.html

Why I Owe My Parents a Huge Apology

Parenting is tough.  And the sad part is I'm only dealing with a 6-year-old and a 10-year-old.  I can't imagine when I'm living with teenagers.  So here's our situation...

My son is displaying signs of back-talking.  "Displaying signs" probably aren't the right words, he's flat out doing it.  A lot.  And I'm sad to say, I know exactly from where he gets it.  I was very well known in the family unit for my stubborn will and constant need to get in the last word, no matter the shade of red of my dad's face.  I was continuously in trouble. (I also had an evil step-mother who didn't help the situation, but that's a story for another day.)  Sidenote:  Leslie Carter and myself were known around school as the girls who were ALWAYS grounded (which shocked me because Leslie was such a good girl!)

On one hand, I feel terrible for what I must have put my parents through.  It's extremely frustrating to have a kid who will not-shut-up after your buttons are beyond pushed.  On the other hand, this same character flaw has made me who I am today, a no-nonsense, bold, self-confident woman.  So, it's not all bad, right? That's what I'm telling myself as I open the spoon drawer after an Austin encounter.  I know he must face the consequences of the back-talk, but at the same time I'm proud.  He's learning to respect adults, as he should, but he is also learning to stand up for himself.  I won't worry so much about him; he's got guts.  It doesn't make it any easier on me now, though.  (And let's hope he never reads this.)

This may not make sense to a lot of people, but it does to me.  It's hard, and I will continue to parent as I should, but I also love the young man Austin's becoming, and I wouldn't change one thing about him.  He's perfect in only the way Austin can be.

So, I really must apologize to my mom and dad for all the hell I put them through, from the time I was born (colic for nine months) to well into my 20's.  I was a stubborn, unruly child and young adult, and I'm not so sure anything has really changed. (You'll have to ask Michael Ridge about that.)

But the question still remains:  if Austin earned this character flaw from me, from whom did I get it?  There's only two possibilities...

What I Learned at Bus Driving School

(This post is dedicated to Derek Tyson for enduring this experience with me.  I can't tell you how many times we looked at each other with the "Did he really just say that" look.)

7 "Important" Issues Discussed at Bus Driving School

1.  "How to know which animals are about to run in front of your school bus."  Animals discussed included deer, horses, hogs, vultures, buzzards, and poodles.  Indicators include eye contact and lowering of the head.

2.  "Amphetamines were developed by the U.S. Army."  My research (the highly reliable Wikipedia) indicates amphetamines were developed in Germany, although the US used them during World War II.  The real concern:  why in the world were we discussing this at Bus Driving School?

3.  "If you have Night Blindness, don't drive at night."  Did you really need to clarify that?

4.  If you have a blowout, hold on to the steering wheel.  As opposed to...???

5.  "In Van Zandt county, if you don't shoot a parent who is sexually abusing their child, you've committed a sin.  You will be "No Billed" in a court of law."  Good to know!

6.  "Bleeding to death is a big deal."  Asphinctersayswhat?

And finally...

7.  "If you're not willing to stick your ungloved fist in my kid's wound, I don't want you driving my kids."  Are you freaking kidding me?  At this point, I shut down because I knew this guy had serious issues.  How do you know my "ungloved" fist isn't a danger to your child?  Why is your child's life more important than my child's life, who may now live without a mother because I didn't use precautions? You, my dear sir, are an idiot!

As you can see, I learned a lot about bus driving.  

Oh, the Irony

I find it humorous that I titled this blog "Through the Eyes of the Coach's Wife", especially given my role in all this.

You see, when our move to Grand Saline came about in April, we really thought I wouldn't coach. Moving gave me an opportunity to focus more on my own kids, to take up the slack at home with Michael's new time-demanding job as an athletic director, as well as to focus on my classroom. I pictured myself at every sporting event, kids in tow, cheering on the Indians and Lady Indians. I pictured bringing meals to the football coaches weekly. I pictured taking Addison to gymnastics in the next town over and Austin to baseball in the next town over from there.

But God has a funny way of directing our paths even while we protest.

I've tried to get out of the coaching profession three times, and three times I've failed.  More often than not, I just really, really missed it.  The bonds created through the coach/athlete relationship are indescribable. You become a second mother to your athletes whether they like it or not.  You laugh together, cry together, get mad together, and hopefully find the drive and passion together that propels you to the top of your game.

So, how did I get here?  After months of trying to find a volleyball coach, Michael asked me to do it.  He flattered me with "I haven't met anyone more qualified than you" and "You're the best coach I know."  I would like to think he meant these comments, but even if he didn't, it worked.  I told him I needed a few days to think it over and then finally agreed.  As soon as I said the words, panic raced over me.

While I have plenty of experience as an assistant volleyball coach, I've never been a head coach.  I've been a head coach in track and golf, but those are completely different compared to team sports.  I've never had assistant coaches under me, which actually stressed me out more than anything.  I knew I would have to make decisions not everyone would like.  But my biggest concern, in all honesty, was Michael.  I didn't want to ever do anything to make his job any more stressful. Volleyball is a high-profile sport compared to golf. I'm passionate and energetic when I'm coaching.   I have high expectations for my athletes, and I expect them to meet these expectations, on and off the court.  I wasn't sure how that would be received in the community, but I knew I had to be me.

So, while we planned for me not to coach with this move, here I am in the biggest coaching position of my career.  And I have to say, this has been the best experience of my life.

My girls are amazing!  I don't know what I've done to deserve them, but I can't say enough about the amazing group of athletes I have.  And my assistant coaches are right there with them.




















(Photo Credit:  Jill Graves)

I've realized through this that as long as I am in the field of teaching, I am destined to coach.  God made me for this role in life, and I should embrace it and live up to everything He's made me to be. My reasons for leaving coaching have always been honorable:  Austin and Addison.  But, my kids are fine.  They are gym rats, and they are the luckiest kids in the world.  Who else gets to grow up in such a way? After only one week of school, they already had several friends to hang with and several mommas looking out for them.  Lucky, lucky kids.


But luck has nothing to do with it...we are blessed!

Perspective, People, Perspective

What a great weekend with family!  The Alamo and Big Lou's Pizza in San Antonio on Saturday, appetizers and a movie with my mom and sis on Saturday night, and The Texas History Museum in Austin today.  It's been a history-filled weekend enjoyed by all.  For the most part...

The Trayvon Martin case caused a slight hiccup in an odd sort of way.  (I'm not about to get political on you, so hang in there.  This really is about something much deeper than politics.)

Let me begin with a few words about the stresses in our lives right now.  Without going into much detail, the last month has been extremely trying for our family (Michael, Austin, Addison and myself), and I'm beyond proud of the way we've handled it.  We are stronger than ever.

This morning, however, I was beyond stressed and taking it out on those I loved. Can anyone relate?  A discussion of the Trayvon Martin case ensued which suddenly led to other fragile controversial issues.  Before I knew it, my brother-in-law and I, polar opposites on the political front, were at it.  The entire conversation lasted a total of five seconds (because we know we'll never agree), but this time I was more offended than ever.  First of all, I'm not a gifted oral debater, so I get uncontrollably frustrated and flustered.  Secondly, I sometimes think my family views me as the "less intelligent" one, especially when it comes to my "redneck" politics.  My sister is a genius and my brother is close behind her.  In actuality, this is my issue, an insecurity I've always had, and because I can't vocalize my thoughts in a split second, I probably do sound illiterate at times.

But I have no doubt in my mind I could write a political article for The New York Times that would blow your socks off and even change some minds.

Thirty minutes later I'm sitting in the back of a packed Expedition crying my eyes out beneath my dark sunglasses, praying to God no one notices.  Of course my sensitive Austin can feel my emotional distress, like he always can.  I used the "allergies" excuse, which I don't think he bought but was sweet enough to let me be (while turning around every few seconds to check on me.)

Sitting in the far back, I'm trying to make sense of all this.  Why am I so upset?  It suddenly dawned on me these tears have been waiting for release since I pulled out of the driveway of my empty house in League City for the last time two weeks ago.  I remember thinking it was odd I wasn't crying (I've cried with every move), but I chalked it up to being extremely tired from the two-day endeavor.  Now the floodgates opened, and I wanted more than ever to be alone to cry it out.  To cry out leaving a place we loved, to cry out losing a bidding war on a house we loved in Grand Saline, to cry out my new high profile responsibilities as a head coach, and the list goes on.  

I thought I was angry with my B-I-L, but deep reflection proved otherwise.  He's a great guy, husband, father, and uncle.  He generously watched five kids last night, ALONE, so my sis, mom and I could have a girl's night.  When we arrived at his house this morning the kids were showered and ready to go.  I'm beyond impressed with the man my sister married, and although we agree on maybe 5% of the political issues out there (ironically, the Trayvon Martin case is one of them), my love for his character and our relationship is more important than gun control and abortions.  Fortunately, I can have my political beliefs and he can have his, and we can still co-exist.

Family is more important than a house.  Family is more important than politics.  Family is more important than anything.  We can all live in this big, beautiful world together, we can co-exist, because relationships are what make our lives meaningful and happy.  Nothing else.

And rest assured, I'm good.  All I needed was a good cry and some introspection.

Robert Frost nailed it:  "It goes on."  And I'm looking forward to it.

There are no words...

My heart is grieving.  A little girl, who I never knew, is gone.  She is with God now, and there are no words.

I don't personally know this family from Grand Saline, but I know she was 9-years-old and would have been entering 4th grade with Austin.  Through this tragedy I am quickly reminded of one reason I love small towns.  The way everyone comes together in support, in grief, in love, in heartache is a beautiful sight.  Yes, the same happens in large communities, as well, but I think it's a little less obvious unless you are directly connected in some way.

I do not mean for this to be a "bash" toward larger communities.  As all of my close friends and family know, I have absolutely loved living in League City.  But there's an endearing togetherness in a small town that is hard to explain unless you've actually lived it.

I'm reminded of the movie Steel Magnolias.  My best friend in high school, Cristal, and I would watch this movie over and over again, laughing and crying all at the same time.  Every 90's girl knows what I'm talking about.  It's a timeless movie that, to me, sums up small town characters and attitudes perfectly.  When tragedy strikes, the town stops and everyone comes together.  It doesn't matter that there are bills to pay and businesses to run.  Life stops for just a moment in honor and grace, because we're all in this together.

Another reminder from this movie is the burial scene at the end when M'Lynn is struggling to understand why:  "Oh, God, I wanna know why, why, why!  Lord, I wish I could understand!...It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first."  There are no words to comprehend losing a child.  As a mother I cannot imagine what these parents must be going through.  There are no words to make them understand or feel better.  There are no words to explain why this happened.  Even the words "she's in a better place" are not comforting at this moment for these grieving parents.  We want our children here on this Earth with us, every-single-day-of-our-living-life.

So, there are no words.

The only thing I know to do is pray, feverishly, for peace and comfort for all those involved.  I do not know you, but I know a God who knows you and loves you.  I know an amazing community who knows you and loves.  And I love you, too.

"Shelby, as you know, wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this.  We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it.  That's what my mind says, I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart."

Our heart usually wins this battle.

(I hope the family of this angel will forgive the liberties I took in writing this post. Through grief, I write.  I am praying for you daily.)

Let's Be Honest

(Kids standing outside CFHS)

If you are familiar, at all, with the wide world of coaching, you know when a coach leaves, it's usually because there's a problem. Either the coach is not happy with the district or the district is not happy with the coach. So they part their ways, discreetly (ha!), and find a new mess to get into.

Occasionally, however, a coach leaves on excellent terms due to an advancement in career, retirement, career change, and so on. This is, thankfully, our current situation.





So, as I pack my classroom and say my goodbyes, it's not with animosity or negativity. I'm not mad at anyone or disgruntled, and as far as I know, no one is angry or disgruntled with me. It's a happy story with a tinge of sadness. 

But life goes on. 

One of my favorite book quotes, which is ever so popular now thanks to Hollywood, is the last line of The Great Gatsby: 

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Life does go on, but I've learned so much the last five years about this life, my life, and I'll carry it with me always. 

Because I wouldn't change a thing.